Vulnerable share incoming...  I apologize in advance for the length. But it is worth reading to the end. I am asking you to get naked with me, it is only fitting that I do the same. Healing equals vulnerability plus safety.

2022 was an exceedingly difficult year for me, though there was great uncertainty during Covid and lockdowns, not being a stranger to tough times and being very much a recluse, I was not fazed too much, and easily adapted. For instance, as a triathlete we could not ride on the road, so I purchased a secondhand bike trainer and road indoors. I still had a few regular clients that continued with their massage treatments. I got together with my son, siblings, and other family members as often as possible, even if it meant catching up with my uncle outside his gate. And it brought me very much into the present moment. Being grateful for all things. That there was nothing that I needed beyond this moment and trusting that all of my needs would be taken care of.  I think the most difficult part for me was not being able to go to the beach, where I find refuge, and often go to ground, rebalance, and realign. 
    
But in 2022 after a very challenging relationship with someone with a very narcissistic personally and all the emotional and mental abuse and gaslighting that came with that experience, and after 5 previous years of constant tidal waves that never seemed to stop coming, from returning to my birth Country of Trinidad after living in Barbados with my son Percival for 5 years and all the uncertainly of returning home and having to start all over again from scratch with just two suitcases of clothes for myself and my son, and $US 200 dollars left in my pocket after donating most of my accumulated possessions over 5 years which was not much as I am very much a minimalist, to the home for battered women in Barbados and purchasing our plane tickets to return home. Challenging sibling relationships, and the most difficult experience of all, my mom had fallen ill and was in hospital just before my arrival and passed away three weeks later. 
      
Though I was so grateful to have had those 3 weeks with my mom and having had the previous 5 years living in Barbados where often she would come visit every few months, for the first time in our at times very challenging relationship there was peace and harmony, and to have been able to care for her with love, compassion, and forgiveness our story just did not matter. And to have said these last words to her before she went unconscious and took her last breath 5 hours later Mom, I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me, go in peace, and to have held that space for her as she transitioned and took her last breath. This was the first time I lost someone so close to me. And my father also fell ill and passed away a year and a half later, my being able to care for him and to hold space for him in the same way, uttering the same words to him before he fell unconscious, Dad I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me, go in peace, and held that space for him as he transitioned and took his last breath.
    
My son choosing to travel down a difficult road, getting involved with the wrong people, and becoming addicted to weed, creating traumatic experiences for himself that no mother would wish for their child, but having had to let him go as my pleads were ignored. Walking behind him to help him back up every time he fell. Fall seven times, helped him back up eight. Putting him in the hands of the Divine and his Heaven’s team, as who am I to say what experiences he needs to have in order to grow and awaken into greater consciousness. We are all just doing our best with the level of consciousness, emotional intelligence and healing we have at any given time.
     
And after a lifetime of traumatic experiences, from early childhood, my father being an alcoholic and witnessing him being physically abusive to my mother, being abandon by both parents for a period at the age of six, being sexually abused as a child, my mother finally finding the courage to leave and divorce my father after a thirteen-year marriage but being an absent parent. My having to take on the role of the caretaker from the age of seven to my other siblings, raising my younger brother. Though often and still to this day made to be the family scapegoat, the black sheep, the one that was/is often ostracized and rejected.  Growing up believing from an incredibly early age, until now that I was not lovable, I was not acceptable, that I was not worthy of love, attention, and respect, that no one would ever want me as I am. That I am not good enough as I am. 
     
Often recreating and attracting to me these experiences of being rejected and ostracized, throughout primary, and secondary school, and throughout my adult life, because of these false beliefs, narratives and programing that was so embedded into my cellular DNA. Also, because it is so sad that it is some people’s human nature to judge others, before even taking the time to get to know you or even to have a conversation with you. And my often struggles with suicidality and thoughts of suicide throughout my life. The first time I attempted to take my life by cutting my wrist with a piece of broken bottle I was nine.
      
My being so desperate for love, acceptance, approval, validation, to be enough, desperately seeking safety, to be held safe, and looking for all of this outside of me, in my teenage years around the age of 16, also struggling at this time with the memories of my childhood sexual abuse, seeking the aforementioned from the wrong men, mistaking sex for love, thinking if I gave them what they wanted, that I would get in return what I so desperately needed. After another experience of being sexually abused again at the age of sixteen, sex became my fix to become numb.

 

To not feel the pain of my childhood, teenagerhood and adulthood traumatic experiences and experiences of being rejected and ostracized throughout my life.

As studies have shown that the experience of being rejected registers in the brain in the same way as if you were physically abused. Followed by a high-risk teenage pregnancy at the age of eighteen, the birth of my son via emergency C-section, experiencing severe baby blues (post-partum depression), And being diagnosed with Vaginal Cancer at the age of twenty-seven (no surprised that my Cancer manifested in my Vagina).
   

Back to 2022 after the accumulation of all these experiences and after being on a healing journey for most of my life from my early teenage years, reading many books from authors like, Iyanla Vanzant, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Don Miguel Ruiz and many more. Seeing two previous Psychologist that did not help me much with my healing and integration, until finding my current Psychologist Nicholas Voisin whom I have been seeing for the past three years who has been truly a God-sent, helping me to put it all down. Studying with my spiritual teacher Master Sha for 10 years, doing daily sometimes 4-6 hours of Xiu lian (spiritual purification practices), trying other healing modalities like Spiritual Response Therapy, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), Pranayama, Tai Chi, Chi Guang, yoga. Reading many books on the labels placed on me by previous Psychologists on Love addiction and Victim Consciousness. 
      
After all these years on my healing journey, trying all these different healing modalities and having accumulated all this physiological knowledge and understanding, I still was not healing. After that last traumatic relationship experience, I totally lost my ability to be response-able, reacting in ways that was not normally me. Reacting from my pain body and now my oozing trauma wounds that all these other healing modalities just temporarily placed a band-aid on, reacting not just from this present experience but from all the previous traumatic experiences and traumatic relationship experiences I had not yet healed or integrated. 

 

Trauma, as defined by Dr. Gabor Mate, is not what happened to you, but what happens inside of you, inside of your body, in your nervous system, because of what you experienced. And it affects how we respond and react, and how we show up in the world. Totally feeling that I was undeserving of this and previous traumatic relationship experiences, as when I choose to love you, I love you with my all and my everything. I love completely and unconditionally, seeking nothing in return, as you are not at condition in my loving you.
      
My mind and body just said no. I fell into a deep depressive state, I was completely non-functional for several months, unable to get of bed, or off the couch, yet unable to sleep, to eat, to work, barely even drinking water, barley leaving the house for weeks at a time, and if I did it was to get essentials and return home. I was struggling with severe panic attacks, often awaking in the middle of the night with a these severe panic attacks, and if you ever had this experience, you will know that it feels like you’re having a heart attack, unable to breath and to self-regulate having to call my therapist (Nicholas), my only life-line at the time, during these early hours of morning to help me to self-regulate and return to my breath.

 

 I was also struggling with severe anxiety attacks where I just could not stop pacing, replaying in my head all that was said to gaslight me, leading me to gaslighting myself, at times wanting to burst my head with a mason jar, just to stop these constant thoughts in my head. Again, struggling with the thoughts of taking my own life and coming close to it. 
 
Until one day, I was just mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, and I came across a post by my now Mentor and Founder/ Creator of 9D Breathwork and Co. Founder of Breath Masters, Brian Kelly, promoting a Master Class for his Breath Masters’ Training Certification. The soul always knows what it needs to heal itself, and when the student is ready the teacher appears. I clicked on the link and submitted my email address to learn more. And in the introduction of the Breath Master’s Training, I received a link to experience A Transformational Breathwork Journey, the original Letting Go Journey.
          
I put on my headsets and pressed play, and within barely 5 mins into this 90 min Breathwork Journey and Somatic Breathwork practice and throughout I had the most transformational, traumatic, and emotional releasing experience of my life. Brian saved my life that day and ignited my healing and transformational journey over the last year. Helping me to heal and transform all my self-limiting, self-defeating beliefs and programing. Helping me to return to my breath and to return to the true essence of which I AM. And solidifying my belief that I AM ENOUNG!!! I bless the day that Brian appeared in my Instagram feed. And I will forever be eternally grateful to him.
               
And now I am able to take my son Percival lovingly and compassionately by the hand helping him along this path, on his healing journey through 9D Breathwork. As, the underlying root cause of all addiction is trauma. Percival also has been experiencing great traumatic and emotional releases, this journey together also healing our relationship. One breath, one Breathwork Journey at a time. 

I am grateful for every traumatic experience in my life, every relationship that left me feeling broken, every experience that laid me flat on my back, every bit of it. As it brought to me Brian Kelly and to becoming a 9D Breathwork Facilitator. My entire life experience just made complete sense when I found this powerful transformational healing modality, and I know that it is my soul’s purpose to share this medicine with the world.

 

So, let me re-introduce myself.

 

I AM THAT I AM!